Funny Marriage Quotes

Welcome to my funny marriage quotes. Reading these quotes makes me so happy. The quotes are what I call classically funny. They are so funny they make me pee my pants (OK maybe not that far but close to it anyway) lol Enjoy

• FUNNY MARRIAGE QUOTE OF THE PAGE
  My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.
  Author Unknown


• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  Rodney Dangerfield


• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
  Groucho Marx


• Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.
  Maryon Pearson


• They say love is blind...and marriage is an institution. Well, I'm not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.
  Mae West


• The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
  H.V. Prochnow


• My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes.
  Author Unknown


• I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.
  Lyndon B. Johnson


• My mother once told me that if a married couple puts a penny in a pot for every time they make love in the first year, and takes a penny out every time after that, they'll never get all the pennies out of the pot.
  Armistead Maupin


• Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
  Minnie Pearl


• In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
  Rita Rudner


• The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.
  Oscar Wilde


• Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
  Erma Bombeck


• Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join.
  Elbert Hubbard


• A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
  Zsa Zsa Gabor


• If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.
  Lawrence Housman


• I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.
  Lewis Grizzard


• Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.
  H. L. Mencken


• I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
  Rita Rudner


• The total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution.
  Bertrand Russell


• The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.
  Author Unknown






• My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I'd hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.
  Jerry Hall


• I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
  Author Unknown


• I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children they just about throw up.
  Barbara Bush


• Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
  Henry Youngman


• Cherie has many excellent qualities, but once she goes to sleep, it takes a minor nuclear explosion to wake her up.
  Tony Blair


• I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
  Zsa Zsa Gabor


• Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house.
  Jean Kerr


• Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
  Milton Berle


• Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
  Mickey Rooney


• I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
  Elayne Boosler


• If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
  Johnny Carson


• My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
  Roseanne Barr


• Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them!
  Kathy Lette


• Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.
  Bob Hope


• My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
  Roseanne Barr


• For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.
  Catherine Zeta-Jones


• I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.
  Marie Corelli

Thank you for passing by my funny marriage quotes. These quotes are so funny it’s unbelievable. If you are looking for a laugh with your husband or wife share these with them. Till next time

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